I've been really scared lately.

Mostly: I'm scared of things that straight up don't exist.

Ghosts. Zombies. Serial killers. Pazuzu. Samara. That woman from the Grudge.

I know it's just projecting my fear. I'm scared of a lot of things. A lot of real, tangible things.

I'm scared that the boyfriend will lose interest in me. I'm scared of being homesick in Scotland. I'm scared that I'll lose all my friends. I'm scared that my brother will absolutely flounder without his parents or his sister.

I'm scared that I might go to Australia this summer, and will have to repeat the process ALL OVER AGAIN. I know I should be pumped about that. I'm SUPER PUMPED it's even a possibility. I could be an intern for one of Sydney's most famous lawyers. HOW GOOD would that look on my resume?

But I just don't want to lose what I have. I love what I have.

I hope I'll still have it.

Things I Have to Do Before My Ferrin Adventooore:

1) Pack

2) Get a Suitcase

3) Pack again

4) See people

5) Take pictures of said people

6) See the boyfriend for the last time for a while

I have to see..18 people before I go. At least. I know I'm going to have an adventure, and I'm never going to forget this experience, but it just sucks that I'm not going to be there this semester. I'm actually sad, yet so freaking pumped at the same time.

I know there will be skype and letters and other things, but it's still a little scary. I guess I'm just having pre-departure anxiety.

Yikes.

The summer's ending. When the patoot did that happen?

Now, Scotland is more than just a dream. I have to think about packing. I have to think about my classes. I have to put my most sociable face forward and make as many friends and have as many scottish experiences as I can. I need to take pictures of sheep, and tag them as members of the Ninth Street Hooligans. I need to send postcards.

I know I'm probably not going to do half the things I think I'm going to do, but I want to try.

I've also had a new lease on life. I know. Revelations.

Whenever someone cuts in front of me in a lane, I get angry. But then, instinctively, I say "it's alright, Land Rover. I forgive you."

I find myself looking at people and events through a different set of eyes. I don't hold onto bitterness as tightly as I used to. I think all the prophets have been having an effect on me (yes, religious studies again, but I'm serious. I'm reading the bible again.). Mostly Paul, and yes, Jesus. I'm not going to be born-again. Let me say that. I'm not suddenly going to think that Christ is Lord above all others and by following Him my soul would be saved, and start going to church. I respect others who believe that and do that. I just don't. That's not who I am.

I see the beauty of Jesus's words, and the heartwarming messages of Corinthians. I see the fierceness of Kali and the magnificence of Shiva. I can see why some people see Moroni as the one who led the way to the golden plates, and why some people believe Allah revealed the Koran to Muhammad.

BASICALLY

I've accepted the messages of religion (love thy neighbor, build a community, be charitable towards others). Being a major in this field has opened me up to differing ideologies, and also has led me to see the inherent drives that all people have. The big questions are answered in different, beautiful ways.

And I've been cleaning.

What's up with that.

I've been thinking a lot about my twenties, and how I imagined them as a pre-teen. As a twelve year old on the brink of puberty, you start to think ahead to when that awful, awful period will be over--and look forward to adulthood. It's like when you're six, you look at the eighth graders, and you wonder how you'll ever get that big.

When I was thirteen, I saw me at a college back east, with my long braids all pinned up, my hair darkening on its own, reading books while the snow swirled outside. I didn't think I'd be in Claremont, of all places. My cousin went there. I would go on her coast. I would major in pre-law and go to a top tier law school. I'd find a sensitive boy with glasses who liked books and cartoons.

Boy aside, I'm radically different than all these ideas. I'm in sunny Scripps, I have a somewhat-bob and dye the sweet baby krishna out of it, am majoring in religious studies, and have legit no idea where I'm going in my life.

That may sound negative, but it's not.

I didn't think I'd live the life I live.

have the (wonderful, giving, saintly) friends I have.

have experienced beautiful experiences.

be majoring in RELIGIOUS STUDIES.

BE GOING TO EDINBURGH.

You never estimate where you'll be in ten years. You can't. A lot can happen in a month, let alone a decade.

I have never decided to seize years so I don't forget them: photographing, scrapbooking, documenting. I've decided now.

This is the time when I make it out in the world, sink or swim. This is the last hurrah of individual-hood if you choose to get married and/or have kids. These are the last years one gets to be completely selfish. Soon, people will depend on you as a role model and depend on you for livelihood. You can bet your sweet patoot I'm going to do memorable things.

Now to sleep, in the summer, in my young adulthood, where I don't have to get up until 2:30 PM.

HAIR TIME

I am getting my hair keratined.

That means no more curls for a while. Some of the population that know me might be saying "Don't do that, Calibug! I like your curls! They're you! I wish I could have curly hair!" I know. I respect that.

I'm sick of it.

I'm sick of the frizz. I'm sick of my hair being the only thing people notice about me, and I'm sick of all the maintenance. While there is some novelty to being known as "the girl with the curls", it is not my only trait. I also have blue eyes. I'm also very pale. And--I'm also a human being with a personality and sentience.

When you say "I wish I had curly hair," you don't mean curly like me. You mean able to do curly for one night, then have it be straight again. You mean Taylor Swift, hair-commercial curls.

HAIR MAINTENANCE FOR THE CALIBUG

1) Take shower

2) Comb hair out in shower. Painful process, especially if you slept on it.

3) Put conditioner in hair 2 or 3 times

4) Comb said conditioner through hair.

5) After rinsing, DON'T TOWEL DRY IT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD

6) Oil application time! Just make sure that little strand on the right doesn't come apa--oh god oh god maybe you can comb it back.

7) Leave in conditioner

8) Frizz Ease

9) Be sure not to rest your head on anything, or scratch your head, or brush a curl away from your face.

This method works--but only until you have to put it back because your hair is attacking your eyes. And even then, wisps fall out and sproing up at awkward angles, so good luck nailing a job interview.

HOW I IMAGINE IT FOR STRAIGHT HAIRED PEOPLE

1) Wash.

2) Dry.

3) Brush.

4) PROFIT!

To be curly haired in this world is strange. It's a dominant gene, and yet almost nobody has it. If it's too messy, if it's out of control, the person is looked at like some kind of hobo or crazy person.

The most important point of this post:

My trich incidents are back. And in larger numbers.

I find myself pulling out my hair at the root because it's curly. It feels mangy all the time. If I don't pick at my head, I'll pick at my face, and if I don't pick at my face, I'll pick at my thigh area. I'll let you fill in all the details. I feel if I get rid of the flyaways, I'll be sane again. The flyaways don't go away. I have curly hair.

Keratin treatment is not permanent, it only lasts a long time. It'll give me something t look forward to in Edinburgh, because baby Jesus knows I don't want wet hair every day in the arctic circle.

Maybe I'll miss it. Maybe I won't. This is just a step in my life.

Srsly Srs

Prop 8 was overturned!

Whatever your feelings are on the subject, it was ruled as unconstitutional, and it is my humble opinion that it was fundamentally discriminatory against homosexual couples.

My religious studies brain is stewing on all the so-called Christians who hate gays, think there's something wrong with them, think they're going to hell, etcetc. Even though I can seethe like the rest of them, I will not give into anger.

I am not particularly religious, but this quote stays with me.

"I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which spitefully use you, and persecute you." - Jesus Christ. Book of Matthew...some numbers.

I get the feeling, if Jesus existed in the modern era, he'd be a cool dude who I could call and get froyo with.Or boba. I love me some boba.

Then he'd heal some lepers and restore sight to blind people, because he's just that cool.

As you might know, I am not updating regularly. There is a reason for this.

I was in Tahoe for a few days with the Barely Legal Coed. I usually hate Tahoe--there is usually nothing to do there, and it always ends with a scratchy-kicky fight with my brother about who put the floaty where.

Basically--nobody likes Tahoe in my family. We're products of both our nerdy nature, and our unwillingness to camp. When we go to Tahoe, we usually spend all our time reading indoors--the same stuff we could do at home. This trip was different. I was with my boyfriend and his family, I wasn't expected to be the life of the trip (as I usually am), and there wasn't that weird tension between my mother and her sister. There are issues in our family, issues I won't go into right now.

I spent the fourth of July with Barely Legal Coed, and it was one of the best times I've had in Tahoe in my twenty years of coming. Of course, I've only spent a few days with his family, so I don't know the intricacies of life, but he was very, very happy I was there. Fast forward a few weeks, and I'm back in Tahoe, having an even better time than I did over the fourth. Except, I was very, very dizzy.

I was so dizzy I collapsed on the couch one day and couldn't get up. I didn't know where the ground was. A trip to the hospital and 500 milligrams of amoxicillin later, it turned out I had an ear infection.

My life--filled with drama.

Fast forward to today, I am at BLC's house, drinking coffee, doing some emergency coding for the 9SH's website, and am going to go to capoeira at 5 PM.